Like pirates, they plunder

The very depths of society

For another toothless wonder

And their fucked-up family

Their lives torn asunder

For our consumption on TV

Screaming bloody murder

With a belligerent type of glee

And I’m left to wonder

Whether a bemused Jeremy

Instead of paying for their hotel

Might be better forking out for some dentistry


With holes in their arguments

As wide as the gaps in the teeth

They eventually come to an agreement

But they’re doomed to repeat

The same old mistakes and deceit


Brother accuses brother of stealing his watch

Wife accuses fella of putting pictures of his crotch

On secret dating sites, which he denies of course

DNA test finds him out, but still no remorse


Bickering sisters competing for the affections

Of a father or mother they never knew

Coming to terms with their rejection

While another fight brews


Running onto to the stage

They fly into a verbal rage

Separated by bodyguard Steve

You’d find it hard to believe


Running of the stage again; shouting down from the rows

When they want to have their say; when they’ve been exposed

As the liars & cheaters; victims or lovelorn

It’s easy to mock them, it’s easy to scorn


But, it’s their 15 minutes of fame

Revelling in the spotlight

Ignorant of the shame

That their contrived plight

Brings upon their name

Yet we the viewer lap it up in

Because it’s all part of the game


Reality comedy gold

For our guilty pleasure

Our sadistic amusement

A national treasure


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